Lately, I’ve been thinking about my mother, and our relationship (or lack thereof).
My mother has a great heart; she’s generous, brave, hardworking, and a hell of a fighter. Unfortunately, she is emotionally and (for the most part) physically unavailable.
I don’t like to portray her negatively, but the truth is her absence has crippled our relationship, leaving more pain than comfort and pleasure.
Mom was merely a child when she took on the role of a parent. Maybe she had a terrible life; perhaps she, too, failed to receive affection as a child, which is completely understandable seeing as though many Asian cultures do not display affections, as least not directly.
For years, I longed for a connection, to know my mom, to be acknowledged, and as corny as it sounds I longed for love, like any normal child.
These days, I’m no longer occupied with thoughts of her.
I’m learning to expect the void, the distances, the empty shell of a person that I will never completely know.
After all, it wouldn’t be fair to ask someone to share something they have not yet experienced.
Still, it sucks.
BUT all is not lost. Though I do not have my mother, I have gained valuable knowledge and perspectives through my experience.
The bond I have with my children is stronger than steel. But, I guess it also helps when you have the right partner.
The fact is Moms are flawed. The sooner we accept that, the sooner we can start creating our own story.